“Fall in love with your solitude.”
~Rupi Kuar
One of the unexpected delights of my days since my kids returned to in-person classes in February happens between 8:50 – 9:10 am.
If you were to drive by my kids’ middle school at this time, you’d find me parked along the school drop-off road, ignition off, and seemingly talking to myself or staring into space.
What I’m really doing during this time is Voxing with friends and clients, while sipping my coffee, ALONE in my car. Or, I’m taking a moment to think. And sometimes, I’m doing absolutely nothing and thinking absolutely nothing. I’m just sitting there, alone.
You might also find me alone in my car for a good 5-10 minutes before and after a grocery trip run. Or sitting in the car for an hour while my daughter goes to soccer practice. Other times you’ll find me doing loops of our neighbourhood, music turned up, after running an errand. I’m close to home, but I’m not quite ready to go back there yet.
Lest you think I don’t enjoy my home life, rest assured I do. I have great kids, an awesome husband and a six-month-old puppy. Over the past 13 months, I’ve worked three feet away from my husband, in our front room and we’ve made it through unscathed. And up until February, I hadn’t been away from the kids for longer than two hours since March 2020, and yet we still all like each other (most days).
So we are good. And we are grateful. I get that my situation is a fortunate, privileged one that many are not afforded. I do not take that for granted. I also recognize that for many, this year has been a lonely one.
AND…
I crave solitude the way a kid craves candy.
Which is to say, a lot.
Last week I talked about the importance of deep connections, and how we have an opportunity to consider who and how we want to engage with others as we start to come out of this.
I am excited to spend time with people again, sitting around the table talking about the things we care about. I can’t wait to meet a friend for coffee. I miss people.
But what I wouldn’t give right now to have a day all to myself.
I don’t need to pull a Thoreau or anything – even a few hours every few days would do wonders for my weary soul.
When my husband was sent home to work last March, he found himself adjusting to the quiet. He no longer had colleagues to head down to the company’s lounge area with for coffee. He didn’t have people popping into his office to say hello anymore. And he didn’t have a commute, which he mostly loathed, full of people crammed into a c-train car.
It got very quiet.
For me, the opposite happened.
After 13 years of entrepreneurship and working from home, I went from having everyone out of the house for six hours a day, to having everyone home for 24.
As everyone logged on their respective Zoom meetings, stumbling into the kitchen at different times for snacks, asking what’s for dinner, negotiating who would be helping with homework – my house when from zen to zoo overnight.
I’ve come to realize that we navigate spaces differently, even intimate spaces like our homes, when we’re alone versus when other people are present. I found myself becoming hyper-aware of everyone else’s presence and disconnected from my own.
The change was jarring. And, exhausting.
This year has been tiring for so many of us, and certainly not just those whose situation looks like mine.
But over the past few months, I’ve realized that the lack of solitude is what’s been particularly challenging for me. If I want to be the best version of myself (or even a decent version – I’d settle for decent these days), I need time alone – completely alone. And if I go too long with out it, I start to get squirrely, cranky and resentful.
The problem of course, is that solitude during a pandemic and a Canadian winter was H.A.R.D. to come by.
And so, my car became my respite.
Now, as the weather warms, I often also seek solace on my walks with Bear, our pup. Sometimes (don’t tell anyone ok?), I walk the outer rim of our neighborhood so as to decrease the chances of running into someone I know.
Not because I don’t like them, but because I don’t want to talk to them.
I share this story, not to sound like an anti-social crank, but rather to highlight how our needs may have changed or been amplified over the past year even if we haven’t fully acknowledged them yet.
For much of 2020, I figured it was my job as a “good mother / good wife” to be available and responsive, and flexible to our situation. And in many ways it was, and I was happy to play my part during a period of such uncertainty. It gave me direction when I was feeling unmoored.
But as the burnout started to creep in (what the heck was I burnt out about, I asked myself back then. We weren’t doing anything!), my anxiety started to rise (When will this be over?!) and my resentment started to fester, (Can’t you SEE I have my headphones in?!!), I realized that my lack of solitude was causing serious stress and was impacting the way I showed up for those I care most about, and how I felt about myself.
So now I sit in my car.
And I sit there as often as it takes, for as long as it takes. Sometimes, my friend Chantel and I have laughed about it over Voxer, while sitting in our cars, inside our garages, until the garage door light goes off and our husbands cautiously open the door to see what the heck we are doing.
“I needed a few minutes for me, alone,” I tell him. “I love you guys, but sometimes I need a break from you, to be my best self for you.”
It wasn’t until this time alone was taken away that I realized just how central it is to my own personal sense of self and well-being. How without it, I’m less productive, less focused and less content. Coming to terms with this has been helpful, even if my capacity to change it is limited.
There’s a famous saying, “You can’t give what you don’t have.” This feels profoundly true right now as many of us struggle with burnout, exhaustion and the ups and downs of pandemic life.
We’ve all got to find ways to fill our cups so that we can keep going and keep leading.
Whatever that is for you, I hope you can offer it to yourself without guilt. For me, I’m not going to apologize anymore for needing solitude to survive.
So if you need me, I’ll be in my car.
Steph (she/her)
x
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💡 FRESH, HAND-PICKED RESOURCES
Curated links from around the web to help you work well, live well and lead well.
“In a study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin monthly journal in 2018, voluntary solitude was found to have a “deactivating” effect on the nervous system. Participants who chose to be alone reported feeling more calm and relaxed compared with those who had solitude imposed on them. “It basically allows us the opportunity to calm down a little bit and hit that reset button,” said Dr. Nguyen, the lead researcher of the study.” “Alone time becomes car time: finding moments of solitude may help ease pandemic stress. Clearly I’m not alone. 🤣 (Note: if you can’t read this online, click here for a PDF version).
Solitude and Leadership: If you want others to follow, learn to be alone with your thoughts. “I started by noting that solitude and leadership would seem to be contradictory things. But it seems to me that solitude is the very essence of leadership. The position of the leader is ultimately an intensely solitary, even intensely lonely one. However many people you may consult, you are the one who has to make the hard decisions. And at such moments, all you really have is yourself.
While there are many benefits to solitude, the ability for solitude to regulate my moods is perhaps the most important one. But how do we learn to be alone? According to one study, many would choose to administer an electric shock to themselves vs being alone for 15 minutes. For many of us, it’s a muscle we can learn to develop with practice.
There’s a lot of bad content out there. But I particularly get annoyed with what Amy Hoy coined as entreporn. You’ve seen it, I’m sure. It’s designed to make you feel like you’re lacking the skills, supports or mindset to make it in the world of small business ownership. Sometimes it’s overt and right in your face, but more often, it’s subtle enough that you might not realize what’s happening as you scroll through your social feeds. Here’s a handy flow chart to help.
I’m an idealist at heart. This mini-film by Avi Lewis, son of Stephen Lewis and husband of Naomi Klein (talk about powerhouse Canadian family) made me tear up. Gosh, I hope for a better world for us all.
If you need a laugh today, this delivers. You probably don’t know this, but parallel parking is my superpower. And wow did I want to help this poor soul. To be clear, the laugh isn’t at her expense, it’s what happens at the end that did me in. Who does that?! Watch it here.
“Your solitude will be a support and a home for you, even in the midst of very unfamiliar circumstances, and from it you will find all your paths.”
~ Rainer Maria Rilke
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💥THE WEEK IN A GIF
Me getting a little alone time in.
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