Who lifts up the leaders?
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been facilitating a 4-part Leadership Lab series on how to Communicate with Confidence.
We’ve talked about communicating well, how to give and receive feedback, how to navigate courageous conversations and how to communicate as a leader.
And in each session, I find myself making the same point again and again:
We need people to talk to when the stakes are high or the situation is murky to help us sort things out BEFORE we respond or act.
Somewhere along the line, the cultural narrative around what it means to be a ‘good leader’ told us that we should have all the answers and that we shouldn’t need to defer or refer to others for help. And if we do, we’re risking too much vulnerability and might be perceived as less competent than we want to portray ourselves to be.
You know what that’s led to?
A lot of lonely leaders.
And the truth is, lonely leaders aren’t great for business.
When we’re operating in isolation, with little in the way of feedback loops, accountability structures or sounding boards, our decision-making can be compromised, innovation can lag and we can fall prey to blind spots we simply cannot see.
Lonely leaders also risk heightened stress, burnout, anxiety and overwhelm as they try to go it all alone.
What I hear from leaders again and again – whether they be inside a company or running their own – is that they have very few people who really understand what they’re up against.
And they recognize that sharing the ups and downs with their team, their employees, their clients, their contractors is rarely appropriate and yet sharing it with people outside of work leads to a lot of blank stares or “good luck with that” comments from friends and family.
Or for those who work independently, they simply don’t have the circle of people who are trying to build the same things they are, with all the frustrations, question marks and self-doubt that can often accompany it.
And so they have to wrestle with the challenges alone, trying to figure it out as they go, hoping they’re making the best decisions possible on their own.
We both know that this isn’t ideal right?
Where do leaders go to figure it all out?
I was talking to a client this week and she spoke about her BS-free Committee. Because of the nature of her very public role, she has to weather a lot of external feedback and criticism, and make a lot of high-stakes decisions and public commentary.
To do that well, she regularly reaches out to a small group of people whom she trusts, to get their feedback, their no BS advice and a candid take on what she’s working through. She knows that if she tries to go it alone, she’s operating from a biased and limited perspective (her own), and is at risk of a mistake in judgement or a hasty response when emotions run high.
So she goes to her people.
They are people she trusts, and as Brené would say, “have earned the right to hear her story.” But they also are people who won’t let her get away with things, just because they’re friends. She trusts them to give her the truth – even if she doesn’t always want to hear it.
I can’t help thinking about how important this is as I watch leader after leader mess up (again). I watch these leaders, who were once small potatoes, make declarations and decisions that seem so out of touch with the people they serve or the employees that support them (yes, I’m looking at you Basecamp).
Who is advising them on this? Is anyone saying to them, “Ummm, you might want to rethink that Rachel (Hollis) – it’s a bad take,” or “Hey Jason & David – I think your new manifesto might send a harmful and hurtful message to your staff about what you prioritize.”
Perhaps they do have people they go to on these matters. Perhaps the issue isn’t the absence of people, but the diversity of people that are allowed in. It makes sense right? If you surround yourself solely with voices that think and act like you do, you’re going to get a whole lot of agreement on your ideas and plans, and not much else.
Leadership isn’t about compliance, it’s about commitment.
People can nod their heads in agreement with you, read your emails and say yes to your requests, but that doesn’t mean they’re bought in or committed to your vision. It means they’re complying. And that’s not enough to create sustained impact or a culture of belonging.
To be the kind of leader who people admire, who they willingly follow, and who they look to for direction, information and inspiration, requires a level of vulnerability and courage that only comes when we open ourselves up to feedback, support and learning from others.
And that’s why we all need a committee – those people in our corner who will champion us, listen to us and challenge us to be better.
Whether you call them a Personal Board of Advisors, a peer group, a collective or a community of practice – we all need people who have our backs and our hearts as we all bump along trying to figure out things as we go.
Who’s in your corner right now? Who do you go to when the going gets tough? Who can you trust to tell you hard truths? Who is thrilled to celebrate your wins and give you a gold star when you struggle to give one to yourself?
There’s nothing noble about doing it all by yourself.
There’s nothing strategic about keeping everything so close to the vest.
There’s nothing to be gained by making unilateral decisions with zero input from others.
You will be a better, braver leader when you expand your horizons to include other viewpoints, new ideas and the feedback of smart, thoughtful people who want what’s best for you.
And you’ll also feel way less alone.
Two things as we wrap this up:
- If this resonates with you, and you’re ready to be part of a group of smart, thoughtful leaders, then please consider my Leadership League Mastermind. We start in early May, and groups are forming now. I put a lot of care and attention into forming the right mix of people so that everyone benefits and feels safe together.
It’s not hyperbolic to say that being part of this group can be a game-changer for you. You can download the info sheet here or apply directly here. As soon as you apply, we’ll schedule a phone conversation to see if it’s the right fit for you, right now (zero pressure). - If a mastermind isn’t your jam right now, that’s cool. But please consider finding even one or two other people who can support you on your leadership journey. After the year we’ve had – with all the uncertainty, mess-ups, leadership blunders and opportunities for growth – we ALL need a few people who call us to be better.
Find those people, listen to those people, treasure those people.
Steph (she/her)
x
p.s. If you enjoy my Leadership Letters, would you please share it with a friend? You can simply share this post or send them here to sign up. Thank you!
💡 FRESH, HAND-PICKED RESOURCES
Curated links from around the web to help you work well, live well and lead well.
I started writing a long blurb here about what went down with Basecamp this week, and then realized it was best served as it’s own Leadership Letter. So watch for my take on Basecamp’s blunder (depending on who you talk to I suppose) soon. In the meantime, here’s the manifesto that started it all. If you want to go down the rabbit hole further and read more from employees and others, Twitter will serve it all up for you.
*And, for those following along with the Reply All saga, they’ve posted a new podcast episode today outlining the work and thinking they’ve been doing behind the scenes since February.
Whether you consider yourself a writer or not, chances are good that you spend a portion of your day writing. And it’s a skill that we can all afford to get better at if we want our message to resonant with its intended recipient(s). I really like this article from Sonia Simone on 7 Ways to Bring More Artistry to Your Writing. I think #2 and #3 are underrated strategies that when I apply them ALWAYS make my writing better.
I’ve been thinking about niceness and politeness a lot lately. Part of it stems from recent conversations my 10-yr-old daughter and I have been having as she navigates middle school dynamics. Part of it comes from the discussions I’ve had over the past three weeks with the women attending my Leadership Lab series on communications. And then another part of it comes from Twitter, where women speak their minds only to have a cascade of comments telling them to be “nicer and more civil.” I’m always an advocate for kindness, but I’m re-thinking politeness. It’s Time For Women To Break Up With Politeness.
Enjoy this sweet, funny story about a man and his duck. It’s worth it, promise.
This article, There’s Room For Everyone In The Church Of Brandi Carlile, took me down a Spotify and YouTube rabbit hole last night while engaging in a little revenge bedtime procrastination. I love her music, and I especially love who she is and what she stands for. “You get the sense that generosity and collaboration are by now a core instinct to Carlile. “I don’t want to be the center,” Carlile told me. “I want to be with the Highwomen, I want to be with Tanya, I want to be with the Secret Sisters, I want to be with the twins. Center of anything is alone. I don’t want to be alone.”
In the news: Here’s why Chloé Zhao’s win matters for Asian women in Hollywood // India’s COVID-19 Crisis Is the World’s Crisis // A history-making elbow bump
“The world will be a quieter, less hostile place if we replace the desire to shout with the desire to be heard, if we replace the desire to win the argument with the desire to move the person who wants to argue, and if we reserve for ourselves some of the toughest questions we can conjure up.”
~Trey Gowdy
🌱 INSIDE LEAD.Well:
You are welcome to jump into LEAD.Well at any time, and enjoy the conversation, content and community of like-minded women exploring and growing in their own leadership
Here’s what we’re up to in LEAD.Well:
- New month! New theme! New leadership fun! – This month we’re talking about “Leading in Public.”
- A mini visibility challenge is happening over our private podcast feed
- Our curiosity club meeting (book club, but better) happens this month too.
If you love my Leadership Letters, LEAD.Well offers you deeper analysis, behind-the-scenes insights, a private podcast feed, monthly events and a growing Leadership Resource Hub filled with my best tools and recommendations.
Learn more and join us here.
💥THE WEEK IN A GIF
Me writing you this letter every week. Sometimes the words flow, sometimes they don’t – but it’s always a privilege. Thank you for reading. If you aren’t yet subscribed, click here to do so.
📣LEADERSHIP LETTERS SPONSOR
This issue of Leadership Letters is brought to you by the Leadership League Mastermind. Craving an intimate peer group to share wins & challenges, stay accountable and navigate the ups and downs of leadership? Our next cohort starts May 11th and we have groups for entrepreneurs and professionals.
Learn more here and apply here. Each group has limited spots, and we’re filling now.
