If I’m honest, a big reason I got (and have stayed) off Instagram since last June is because I’m easily influenced by other’s ambitions.
As I would scroll my feed, passively watching post after post go by of someone’s perfectly curated version of success, I’d find myself wanting things I hadn’t ever considered wanting or second-guessing the plans and desires I’d already thought were iron clad.
It took me way too long to realize that spending time engaging in other people’s plans inevitably warped my own, leaving me in idea limbo more times than I’d like to admit.
Finally, I decided I’d had enough.
Maybe it was the clarifying effects of the pandemic or perhaps it was just the compounding impact of Instagram’s algorithms, but on June 17, 2020 I posted for the last time.
And in that moment, I made a commitment to act on my own ambitions by doing all that I could to reduce the noise and influence of everyone else’s.
I haven’t looked back (well, mostly).
Has it helped you might wonder?
Undoubtedly yes, though it’s not like I shut out the entire world when I got off the ‘gram. I still get pulled in through blog posts, Twitter, LinkedIN and podcasts if I’m not careful.
It’s a reality of 21st century living, and a particular job hazard of someone who earns a living online.
Why we should be the authors of our own ambitions
Philosopher Alain de Botton invites us to reconsider a kinder, gentler philosophy of success in his 2009 TED talk, saying:
So what I want to argue for is not that we should give up on our ideas of success, but we should make sure that they are our own. We should focus in on our ideas, and make sure that we own them; that we are truly the authors of our own ambitions. Because it’s bad enough not getting what you want, but it’s even worse to have an idea of what it is you want, and find out, at the end of the journey, that it isn’t, in fact, what you wanted all along.
I know that a big part of my own personal leadership practice is to stay grounded, focused and aligned to my vision and not be swayed or influenced easily by the squirrels and shiny objects that are a mere click away.
And it is a practice.
There’s no end point where I’ll suddenly have it tied up in a pretty bow. I imagine that I’ll always fight urges to check out the road not yet travelled (that’s made to look so good by someone else travelling it).
It will only be by making deliberate choices like minimizing social media that I’ll give myself a fighting chance.
***
Last night my daughter got called up to play net for the tier 1 soccer team. She typically plays tier 2, and this was the first time she’d been offered this opportunity. As you can imagine, she was the perfect mix of excitement and nerves (is there a word for that? there should be).
Watching the game, a bundle of nerves myself (goalie parenting is stressful!), I was struck with the difference in play between the tier 1 girls and the tier 2. While they all practice together three times per week and they are all 10 or 11-year old girls, the way the two teams navigate games is visibly different.
The tier 2 team plays hard most of the time, but it can wax and wane depending on any number of factors. They love soccer and they are skilled players, but they equally love getting to spend time with their teammates and just enjoying the fun of the game.
The tier 1 team plays hard all the time, with an intensity and drive I’ve never seen from our tier 2 team. And while their skills are also modestly stronger to be sure, it’s their ambition that really separates them. They play to win.
I noticed myself feeling frustrated last night while watching. I wondered why my daughter’s tier 2 team couldn’t get it together like this group – they certainly practice enough. I had more than a few moments wishing my daughter was at the tier 1 level and could enjoy the results of a high-performing team (they won 8-1).
And then this morning I realized something important.
Playing at that level isn’t their ambition.
Most of the girls on my daughter’s team are more than content playing at the level they currently play at. A couple of them are jonesing to move up, but most aren’t interested in the intensity required to compete at the top level.
And that’s ok.
Because she (and her teammates) get to be the authors of their own ambitions, and those don’t have to be of gold medal (or tier 1) quality to count.
If they play tier 2 soccer forever because that’s what feels most aligned to how they want to engage in the sport, then that’s as it should be. Striving toward tier 1 just to say they’ve made it isn’t worth much if it kills the love of the sport right out of them.
***
What are your ambitions?
Have you asked yourself that recently? If not, it might be time to check in to ensure that you’re connected to what you really want, not what you’ve internalized from what you see other people want.
It can be so easy to slip into wanting what we’ve never said we wanted: from finding ourselves building a business that requires more than what we really want to give, or striving for a promotion that wouldn’t actually allow us to do the work we’re most called to do, or pursuing more money and more status simply because it seems like that’s what we should want.
Without even blinking, we can go from feeling grounded and clear in our own definition of success, to getting sidelined by the possibilities and pursuits of those we follow.
Inside LEAD.Well, my leadership community of practice, we’re exploring that this month and next as we develop and design our own Leadership Operating System. That’s just a jargony phrase to mean building an authentic plan and guide to living and leading from our truest selves (not what we see from others).
It can be hard to find the signal through the noise to get at what you really want.
There are so many competing ideas, examples and opinions of what it means to live and lead well that it can be hard to parse out what’s true for you versus what’s true for the colleague down the hall or the business owner a few websites over.
Start by asking yourself: what do I really want?
If that’s tough to answer (as it often is), try this instead:
If I could have things the way I wanted (and I didn’t have to worry about how to get it or what other people thought about it), what would it look like?
And if that still doesn’t do the trick, focus in and ask:
What do I want right now?
Ambitions change as we change.
What I wanted five years ago doesn’t look like what I want now. My daughter is happy on tier 2 but one day she might change her mind and strive for tier 1 (or she might pursue a new sport altogether).
The key is to tap into your ambitions and orient your thoughts and actions toward those, regardless of how Instagrammable they may or may not be. And then do whatever you can to tune out the rest and channel your inner Amy Poehler, reminding yourself, “Good for her, not for me.”
I won’t pretend this is always easy, because it’s really not. I may be off Instagram, but I’m not immune to the pull of other people’s pursuits. But, it is possible (at least most of the time) with a lot of practice and a little self-trust.
And I believe it’s worth working toward though because when you become the author of your own ambition, your leadership will be stronger, your impact will be deeper and your enjoyment will be far greater.
Steph
(she/her)
p.s. need some help exploring your own ambitions? Jump on a call with me here and I’ll help you zero in on where you want to head (and what you can leave behind).
