My daughter is a rule follower.
Teachers and coaches love her because she does what she’s told and stays quiet while doing it. She’s been recognized publicly by teachers numerous times hoping to make an example of her for the kids in the back.
Over the years, my husband and I have pushed her gently to break the rules. We’ve said that it’s not the end of the world if she talks when she should be listening, or if she isn’t the first one done the assignment. We encourage her to push herself, ever so slightly, against her natural tendency to obey without objection.
Do I want her to be rude? Of course not. Do I want her to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants it? No. Is she at any risk of that? Not a chance.
Many of us are raised (especially women) to follow the rules – both the spoken and the unspoken ones.
We learn early that we’re praised when we do what we’re told, and scolded when we go against someone else’s expectations for us. We are taught, in places like school, that we shouldn’t question authority, that we should follow the path everyone else is on, and that there are ‘right’ ways to do things.
And in the process, we stop listening to our own voice and knowing, and lose our capacity for self-trust.
As a result, following the rules often gets tied up with people pleasing, which gets then often tied up with perfectionism. Suddenly, we’re doing things we don’t really want to be doing, in a way that doesn’t feel great, largely because we think we’re supposed to, because others know better than we do and because we don’t want anyone to be upset with us.
And we don’t stop to question if a) it’s working for us, and b) if it aligns with our values and code of conduct, and c) how it makes us feel.
Here are a few was I see this show up in my work with clients,(men and women; entrepreneurs and professionals):
- Not applying for a new job / promotion because the ‘rules’ (a.k.a. job description) didn’t perfectly match up with their skill sets
- Pricing their services similarly to other providers because that’s what most people charge
- Toiling away on social media even though they hate it because the rules say that if you want to run a business / write a book / land a good job – social media is a must
- Using sales strategies and copywriting techniques that ‘influencers’ label as the success solution, only to feel out of alignment, cringey and awkward doing it
- Waiting to start, to leap, to ask or to create – hoping that someone will tell them when it’s right or when they are ready
- Listening to advice from everyone else, but not doing their own gut check about what feels best for them
- Not speaking up for something important because of their level of seniority or experience or influence
There are times when rules are important, and there are times when there are boxes you need to check to move ahead. Some rules have very serious consequences if we break them. And some rules are important for the collective good.
But there are a lot of rules we follow just because we always have, even if they no longer serve us or shouldn’t even exist in the first place. We’ve upheld harmful rules in many areas of our society for far too long – rules that have caused harm, supported only a small sliver of the population and kept others from real equity.
And on an individual level, many of us keep doing things that feel off but that we discount as being “our issue” and then defer to others who we deem as knowing best. We default to what others think before we decide what WE think.
Great leadership is about knowing what rules need to be upheld, and which rules need to be challenged, redefined or ditched.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve made a commitment to myself and my business, to not follow the rules just for the sake of them. I’ve given myself permission to do things differently – not to be a contrarian – but to better align how I want to operate my company.
I’ve created a new set of “rules” (more like guiding principles) that I operate from, even if it goes against the grain or doesn’t get me the fastest, biggest results. They come from my own personal values and they remind me that for 99% of life, there is no one RIGHT way to do things, despite what my Facebook feed may tell me.
Here are a few of them:
Old Rule: It’s important to use all the platforms available to me to market my business, even if I don’t like them or enjoy being on them
New Rule: I’ll pick 3 platforms that resonate with my style of communication and share my message there (and turn off all the rest, including Instagram)
Old Rule: Being a successful business owner means: charging premium prices for everything, limiting access to me, and holding hard boundaries
New Rule: Being a successful business owner means charging based on true (not inflated) value, giving generously of myself to clients when they need help, and holding firm, but flexible boundaries
Old Rule: I must position myself as the expert, and maintain myself as such. Vulnerability isn’t a good quality for a leader.
New Rule: I’m on the path with you, and sharing my struggles isn’t weakness, it’s a point of connection. Two things can be true: I can have expertise to offer AND I can be open about my own challenges.
There are others, but these three have really shifted the way I think about my business. If I’m honest, I’ve always done things my way, but secretly felt a bit like I was underachieving in the world of Coach Island (what a friend and I call the coach space). And yet, anything less that this felt incongruent with my values and who I want to be as a person and a business owner.
What “rules” are you adhering to that no longer serve you?
Consider where you’ve made assumptions about how things are, and ask yourself if they are unequivocally true. And then consider where you may begin to redefine them to better line up with your values and way of operating.
For example: I asked myself this question: “Is it absolutely true that I need to stay on Instagram to grow my business?” The answer came back a resounding, “No. It’s one way, but it’s not the only way.” And so, it’s been almost 10 months since I’ve been on IG, and I’m still here.
To breaking the rules,
Steph (she/her)
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💡 FRESH, HAND-PICKED RESOURCES
Curated links from around the web to help you work well, live well and lead well.
The permanent rules. We’ve changed a lot of rules over time, even those that were said to be permanent. In this short piece, Seth Godin, reminds us that cultural rules are fluid, and that we have the power to change them.
20 Reasons Why You Should Break The Rules. I particularly agree with #3, #4 and #11.
I really enjoyed this conversation with Brené Brown and Scott Sonensheinon on ‘Stretching and Chasing.’ They had a wide-ranging conversation, and also talked about the role of rules and perfectionism in parenting and work.
I’m a short afternoon walk and you’re putting way too much pressure on me. Oh how I laughed at this, as you do when you feel so seen. I talked a couple of issues ago about my new found enjoyment of walking, and this feels a little to on the point.
The word nerd in me loves these articles: The 35 words you’re (probably) getting wrong.
How good does this look? Trying this weekend. Also, have you watched Nadiya Bakes on Netlix? I adore her, and I plan to make every single recipe from the show.
“You must find your own way. Unless you find it yourself, it will not be your own way and will take you nowhere. Earnestly live your truth as you have found it – act on the little you have understood. It is earnestness that will take you through, not cleverness – your own or another’s.”
~Nisargadatta Maharaj
💥THE WEEK IN A GIF
It’s been almost an entire year (March 7, 2020 but who’s counting) since I last enjoyed dinner in a restaurant. And oh how I miss it. One day soon I hope!
